Pioneers

by Tara Flanagan on August 1, 2011

Maybe it’s the leftover vibes from the 2003 Kobe Bryant case, in which Eagle, Colorado staged the World’s Largest Clusterfuck for several weeks, only for Kobe’s accuser to reconsider the whole thing and file a civil suit instead.

I mean, you can’t completely clean up that garbage. It lingers and becomes a karmic lint trap, and sooner or later you’ve got some cosmic gorillas in the living room in the form of serious WTF situations. In this case, it didn’t help that we were in the middle of Eclipse Season. More on that later.

Situation 1: You’ve probably heard about the hoopleheads (yes, I’ve watched too much “Deadwood”), who, on July 1, went into the local Burger King, where, if reports are correct, they purchased several burgers from the value menu and promptly hand-fed them to a bear and her three cubs, who were in and around an unsecured dumpster and unwittingly enslaved as a petting zoo.

Had Darwin prevailed, the morons would have evacuated the gene pool that morning and the triumphant, full bears would have fled into the surrounding hills, never to return. But the morons, who were never caught by police, are likely still alive, are ostensibly of breeding age and, unless things have changed drastically, do not have a lot of solid hobbies. Which means they’ll probably breed, while the bears, seduced into that risky over-familiarity with humans, stand a good chance of being euthanized by the Division of Wildlife. The odds are sad all the way around.

Situation 2: We’ve got Luke Chrisco in the Eagle County jail after getting picked up for panhandling in Vail June 23, after seen sprinting away, despite the additional drag from several pounds of dung, from a yoga festival in Boulder. He allegedly lodged himself in an outhouse tank, intent on establishing a new goddess religion. (Hey, THAT makes sense. And of course he was able to get away; who the hell is going to tackle someone who has taken residence in the bowels of Johnny On The Spot?)

According to Boulder’s Daily Camera newspaper, “I wanted to start a new goddess religion,” Chrisco said. “I always wanted to be a pimp or create a church of porn or a church of tantric, someplace people could be spiritual but also instinctual.”

He said the yoga fest was his first toilet plunge. Before that, he’d been drilling and utilizing various peepholes around Boulder. Those locales included the DMV and Naropa University. You’ve got to give this guy credit for stepping up (or down, in this case) to a new challenge. Peepholes are so 2010.

While he expressed some remorse about the turn of events, the outhouse appears to have provided a breakthrough. “I thought, ‘This is really amazing; I’ve been blessed and anointed by the makers of life,’” he said.

Dude — like, thanks for the clarity.

But seriously, most everyone I know had been substantially weirder, stupider, more emo, more annoying and generally more off in the days surrounding the Eagle WTFs, and maybe Chrisco is merely taking the hit for the collective. Or maybe not. We can’t completely blame the planets for some folks going off the charts, but I am comforted slightly to know that 2011’s Eclipse Season is done. I’ve been told, though, that from here on out, “normal” will be anything but the same-old while the Age of Pisces transitions into Aquarius.

According to my favorite astrologer, the recent frenzy opened with the June 1 solar eclipse, followed by a full-moon lunar eclipse June 15, and wrapped up with July 1’s very rare and powerful Cardinal Grand Cross solar eclipse. All these things, he says, are paving the way for our old paradigms to die off relatively soon. Don’t worry, it’s little things like our political, military and economic systems, which last I checked, weren’t  working anyway. And during these times, a lot of us are seeing big upheaval in our personal lives. I can only hope this helps explain the recent WTFs here in Colorado.

I can’t say these guys are the new Cheneys and Rumsfelds, but rest assured — the weird are going pro soon.

Without the Eclipse Season, maybe the Situation 1 morons would have merely tossed the burgers to the bears without getting up-close and personal. Maybe Chrisco would have merely drilled another hole and not taken the plunge.

But, instead, they became unwitting professionals in the Aquarian Age crossover.

Share on TumblrSubmit to reddit

{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Linda February 3, 2012 at 10:24 pm

Tara – Just doing a little catch up reading of the MG, including a few Cartographs I’d missed. Was all set to call Michele and give her a load about moving to the most boring city (Gilbert) in the US (or was it the West?). Fortunately I read further before doing so and discovered that Henderson is second?
Really? With US living here?
I mean we have at least one party every year and we make ribs and everything. And people generally stay until at LEAST 830pm.
I really must protest. Tomorrow. After I rearrange my spice cabinet, take Chester for a walk and cut my toenails.
Things to do, you know!

Reply

Leave a Comment