Climbers are simply acting on the subconscious drive to take their selves to a higher position, something that no doubt has its roots in our evolutionary march from pond scum to Homo sapiens. Certainly on the physical level that means scaling mountains, large rocks and chunks of ice, but climbing also applies to the social games that don’t require ropes or ice axes (although they may certainly help).

1. Social Climbing and Skier-cide

Aspen remains the Everest among mountain- town social ascension, despite the occasional pratfall among its Fabulous People in High Places. To wit: Claudine Longet, the breathy French chanteuse and ex-wife of crooner Andy Williams, who in 1976 shot and killed Olympic skier Spider Sabich in their bathroom — after she allegedly drank white wine at a local bar. Convicted of misdemeanor criminal negligence because it was a complete accident, she endured 30 weekend days in a squalid Aspen cell — after taking a seaside vacation with her defense attorney.

2. Hissing Sounds are Seldom Good

In 2003, Aron Ralston was scrambling alone through a slot in Bluejohn Canyon and dislodged an 800-pound boulder that pinned his hand and forearm. From here you’ve heard the story: After six days of being one with the rock, exhausting his water supply and two burritos, and knowing his flattened right hand was decaying (he would live to describe the hiss of gas when he poked it with his knife), he knew he couldn’t make it out alive without weird and drastic measures. With that, he gathered every fiber of his resolve, and, by leveraging against the rock, broke his ulna and radius. He then took the only weapon at his disposal — a multitool that (just to add a little drama to the situation) had been substantially dulled from his attempts to chip away the rock — and slowly dug through the skin, tendons, and lastly and the worst part — the nerves. (’Scuse me while I pass out at the mere thought.) He was able to walk away and into the lusting arms of the media, but still, the lesson bears repeating: Tell someone where the hell you’re going when you go off into the middle of nowhere by your lonesome to climb!

3. Looking for Company?

If you want to ascend a mountain but are not particularly bent on solitude, rest assured Colorado’s 54 14ers have what you need, including a half million other people each year seeking the tingly sensation (possibly due to very reliable afternoon lightning) that comes with signing in at the top (don’t get us started on the occasional asshole who stays home and coerces others to sign his wretched name). If you choose a close-to-Denver location such as Grays or Torreys, especially on weekends, it’s best to embrace the notion of soldiering up the hill slowly and accepting your place in the swarm.

4. Quit Horsing Around

Here at Hagerman Fossil Beds National Monument you will find the largest concentration of Equus simplicidens on the continent, with 30 complete horse fossils and other cool, old, dead stuff. How does all this relate to climbing? Well, the horse evolved without a clavicle, prehensile toes, claws or opposable thumbs, all of which contribute to a creature’s ability to climb. Hooves can’t help, either. Anthropologists say our human-ish ancestors used to be much better at climbing trees, but lost most of that ability in the evolutionary process of walking on two legs — which doesn’t exactly help when it comes to scaling lofty heights, but makes going to the fridge for beer a helluva lot easier.

5. Bomb Scare

One of the most frequent questions posed to climbers is how to take care of, um, you know, while on a multi-day big-wall climb. That launches into the discussion of the various contraptions that are employed to mindfully gather and store the, um, you know, and the inherent warnings about how toxic gasses that are not properly ventilated (and really, how much ventilation do you want?) can cause an explosion. So: Some climbers at Yosemite, who use a device known as a poop tube, descend and deposit said poop tube in a dumpster, labeling it as “having incendiary qualities” because of the aforementioned lack of proper venting. True enough. Tourists come by and see the PVC pipe and the warning and assume it’s a bomb. Bomb dismantlers respond to the scene. Yet another reason to encourage your children to NOT become bomb dismantlers.

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